That which does not kill me makes me stronger.

That which does not kill me makes me stronger.

Well here I am back in business and on the ball again. It has been a very long and painful five weeks. Just minutes before my radio interview with Sherri http://www.blogtalkradio.com/rithebard/2013/02/26/chatting-with-sherri  I felt a pain in my left knee. I mentioned to Sherri and she wanted to know if I wanted to cancel the show.”Hell no! ” was my response. Once the interview was over I tried to stand up from my sitting position and my knee popped and snapped. From that moment until now I have been hospitalized, bedridden, had surgery and now am on the mend. I was so scared as I was unable to walk or stand. I went through so many physical, emotional and mental transformations. Once again thanks to prayers from my friends and family God has decided I should be here to annoy you all for while still.

    I know I have just repeated myself here but there is a reason for my doing so. I am trying to make a point. There are so many of us with chronic pain, who on a daily basis have to live with what has been dealt to us. Then there are the surprise attacks on our bodies.  

      Does the fact that we have to live with pain on a daily basis make these extras more tolerable?

      Does anyone feel we are like the sore toe, when it is hurt we continuously bang it?

      Do you feel like others expect you to be stronger no matter what happens?

      There is a saying, God only puts on your plate what He knows you can eat. Well I think for some of us it feels like we are being served a buffet. I once had a friend tell me I had to learn to be grateful for the lessons God was was trying to teach me. It was during this conversation that I found out from her that she had never had a sick day in her life, let alone over 30 surgeries and two battles with cancer. When I told her that next time God wanted to add some more to my plate, I was going to tell Him I knew someone whose plate had ALWAYS been empty, and then I pointed at her. She called me a blasphemer and left my house in a huff. I am sure God was having a giggle over that one. 

      It is easy for those who have never suffered to be judgmental and unfeeling.

My mornings, my pain

  1. triangle-of-nature

This morning before I got out of bed I found myself making a wish. Nothing new about this wish but I was hoping this time it would come true. I was wishing for a pain free day. Well it is half way through the day now and I am still waiting for that wish to come true. Maybe I would be more successful if I wished for riches.

This is not an unusual wish the world is full of wishes just like mine. If I could find a Pain Fairy like the Tooth Fairy I would be a millionaire. When asked, most times I tell those who ask that I am not a morning person when in reality I couldn’t be if I wanted. The body and joints just won’t allow it. This is frustrating and depressing.

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Finding ones way back! Renewed and refreshed.

 

in-the-eye-of-the-beholder.jpg

It has been several months since I have posted on my blog. So much has happened that I would have to write a novel to explain it all. I have had my heart-broken for I have lost a son, not to the grim reaper but to unfortunate circumstances. I have been subjected to three more surgeries, watched my husband’s health suffer, moved to another town, turned sixty-nine years old and celebrated fifty years married. The last three events should have been happy, joyful and memorable experiences but because of the first heartbreaking events they were not. I know I am not the only mother who has suffered this painful, gut wrenching and devastating loss but it sure felt like I was the only one at the time.  

Our other children, grandchildren and family did their best to see we had an anniversary to add to our memory bank and we love them for that. But our hearts would not allow us to rejoice the way we deserved.

It is time I take God’s hand and ask Him to help guide me though a time of healing. I know I cannot do this alone and was not strong enough to ask for His help before now. I am ready and I can see there is a light at the end of what seemed like a very dark  tunnel into the unknown. I pray for my son who someday may find his way back to his family.

So I am writing this post today, and tomorrow I will get back to writing the sequel to my book “A Hairdresser’s Diary”. I will take one day at a time and cherish each of those days. As far as my Anniversary, Ron and I will be married fifty years for a whole year, and will have lots of time to celebrate the way we imagined we would.

Thank you all my friends for your past support and I can only hope you will keep visiting me once again.

Cancer once again raises it’s ugly head

I know this post is really off topic for me and takes you away from my book that I have been promoting, but I though this would be the place I could show my fear without any judgements and from what I am to believe this is what blogs are about.

It is no secret I am 67 and anyone who has read my blog knows about my hairdressing, modeling and make up artistry days and the book I have written about those careers. My health issues are not a surprise either if you read my personal website. The six car accidents, 28 surgeries ect. One of those surgeries a few years ago was thyroidectomy to remove half of my thyroid as it was cancerous.

I had the breast cancer scare only to be blessed with the final results that it was not. But the 5 weeks waiting was like torture. I am not complaining,I promise you just trying to give you a little background.

Now I am getting to the point I am trying to build up to. Four years ago I found a small lesion approx half the size of a regular pea on my back, about waist-high. It was bothering me as my underwear, slacks, skirts, belts ect would set right on that area. I went and complained to my family Dr and was told it was just a mole and try to wear things lower or higher than where this thing was. So I did the best to avoid rubbing it. But it started to grow and bother me so once again I was asking to have it investigated. For 2 years I was just sluffed off and told to cover it but it was not looked at again. Now you might ask why didn’t you insist? well the answer to that is from the above part of this story I mentioned I have a lot of health issues, so many on fact my Dr will only discuss three per visit. This was always put on the back burner even when I made a special appointment for him to look at it, my dangerously high blood pressure, my chronic pain, my arthritic flair all took president.

Three years ago I insisted as it was getting very large now the size of a quarter. Frustrated at my constant insistence he stood back without getting close enough to see a doorway he said,”It is a fungus ” and he gave me cream. Well the cream did not work. For the next three years I tried so many times I cannot count to get him to check it out. My hubby was getting angry and frustrated as well. Now it was 3 in x 4.6 in.  I decided on my next visit no matter what it took I would not leave without him checking it out. So when I go tot the office I was taken in earlier as the patient before me did not show. The Dr nurse ( his wife) came in first I again showed her. Her response was to get the Dr to look at it . I told her I have been trying to do that for years. So when she was walking out the door and he was coming in she said, “Oh by the way Chris get the Dr to look at that thing on your back. He just grunted, “Oh that hing on your back again?” I could tell he was irritated.

So when we finished everything else I asked once again. He told me to make a special appointment just for that. I told him I was not leaving until he looked and that he could give me the appointment of the person who missed theirs and charge OHIP double I did not care I was not leaving. Annoyed he looked and stated he needed to take a scraping and that I would put him behind. All the time going on about me not making a special appointment. In doing the scraping I was in need of a dressing as it was bleeding that only annoyed him more. On his way out the door he said, “I won’be calling you with the results make an appointment for two weeks.

I did and went only to find out the results concluded I needed a biopsy. It was not what he assumed just a rash.

I went for the biopsy and the diagnosis was cancer. The specialist said his main concern was not the cancer because carcinomas are the most common cancers but it was the size. The treatment for one so big was very difficult and worrisome. Also where it was because. I have already had three back surgeries any treatment would put pressure on my damaged and painful back.

I was so angry ! Cancer is always scary but I had already had thyroid cancer . It was the neglect, of my family Dr of 26 years. How could he be so uncaring. I had the specialist who did the biopsies make the appointment with the cancer clinic as I don’t trust my Dr anymore.

Well I went to the cancer clinic yesterday. The treatments for the cancer was going to start with not less than 30 daily radiotherapy treatments. The oncologist said the pain and the sickness this would bring me due to the size, the position and my already not great health would be like torture. He said it would be at least three months before I would get any relief. The fact my back is so bad that the position I would have to lay in would make my pain worse and once they start the procedure they cannot stop. He said it would be like a third degree sunburn on top of a third degree sunburn every day for no less than 30 days. The radiation could cause another type of cancer far worse than I have now. I was physically ill when he was talking. Ron finally asked him what the alternative was and he said surgery (this will be my 29th) The Dr said it is the only way to be sure they have it all and I will be healed up in a month not three and the pain will be far easier to deal with than having full body pain constantly. He said my fybromyalgia will flare until it is unbearable I will be nauseous  – the list goes on. I opted out for the surgery. The only other problem now is that the cancer lesion is so large they will have to do reconstructive repair and replace the skin from another part of me to fill the hole. BUT THIS CANCER WILL be gone. All of this is because when I first found it I could not get my Family Dr to pay attention and he kept sluffing me off until a few weeks ago I got angry and insisted. It COULD HAVE BEEN REMOVED AND I  WOULD HAVE ONLY HAD A COUPLE STITCHES. I am not sure when this will be done but the  plastic surgeon at the cancer clinic when available they will call me. I ask for your prayers.

I am at a loss of how the person whose hands you put your life in can be so callous. You might ask.”Why don’t you get another Dr?” There is a Dr shortage in the great country of ours.

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